A Cheap Imitation of elimiDATE
by Tourniquet Productions
Summary: Ansem's lonely, single and obviously desperate for a date. So desperate that he's going to lower himself to the most uncultured, risque and utterly horrendous dating show on cable television. Ansem's going on elimiDATE.


**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts is copyrighted to Disney and SquareSoft, in no way do I own any of it's contents or characters. Not that I thought that you thought that I was the creator. I also don't own elimiDATE, this is just a cheap imitation.

**Pairing:** Ansem x Everyone

**Rating:** PG-13 - For language, violence and sexual content.

**Summary:**

**Author's Notes:** Don't you just love to watch all those slutty women and man-whores on the WB's elimiDATE? I don't know why but it's fun for me to picture a bunch of women fighting over Ansem, because you know he thinks he's a pimp.

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**A Cheap Imitation of elimiDATE**

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Watch out, ladies. Ansem's in the house.

"Yes, watch out, ladies. My presence is now known in this beautifully constructed building." Ansem boasts as we view clips of him playing football in Hollow Bastion's courtyard.

"Ooh, look at my muscles. I'm in my mid--" Ansem coughs, "Forties.. I have many, many hobbies which consist of researching my latest findings on a breed of beings I cleverly titled 'The Heartless'. I enjoy possessing people's bodies, searching for the door to all worlds, and of course, the occasional glass of scotch." Ansem tediously explains as we watch more clips of what his day-to-day life is like. Oh, look. He's bungee-jumping.

"Yes, ladies. I'm quite the catch, so you'd best be on your best behavior or I might have to elimiDATE you!" His ominous laughter fades as scenes from his life end.

"Heeey, I'm Yuffie." She waves her fingers in a retarded fashion. "I'm sixteen and I'm currently single. I don't really have a job right now, I'm pretty much just mooching off my friends the best I can." She strikes a ninja-like pose and cracks the camera's lens with one of her star-thingies.

"I may look dumb, short and immature, but that's not the case! I'm Yuffie and I'm going to win this date!"

Yuffie skipped toward her date, he was easily spotted, elimiDATE's camera crew was a pretty nifty give away.

"Hi there!" Yuffie exclaimed cheerfully, offering her handshake.

"Ah, you must be.." Ansem paused to return her hand gesture, "Not that attractive."

Yuffie laughed, "No, I'm Yuffie!"

"Of course you are. Where's the next girl?" Ansem anxiously danced around her.

"Mmm, hello. My name is Maleficent, my age is no concern of yours." The dark, tall, dangley woman explains as she walks toward our camera crew. "I work as a full-time evil Queen, but in my spare time I like to play a good game of Polo." She suddenly vanishes, leaving a trace of green smoke.

She reappears infront of our camera man, Bob. "I'm Maleficent, as I previously stated, and I'm not quite sure why I'm here."

Bob breaks out in to song, "Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to love? Wouldn't you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to looo----" At this point in Bob's serenade of the popular Boogie Pimp's song, Maleficent whips out her staff and zaps our beloved friend in to what appears to be Merriam Webster.

Maleficent approaches the two figures cautiously. Avoiding eye contact with either of them.

"Ah, hello there!" Ansem exclaimed gleefully, offering a hug with arms wide open.

Meanwhile, Creed...

"Scott, we're leaving you." Mark patted his ex-bandmate on the shoulder as the rest of the group kept their distance.

"What? What?!" Scott screamed the word repetitively, "You can't leave me.. You're nothing without me! I am Creed!"

"Scott, you're an asshole. We're leaving you and we're joining Myles and we're doing Alter Bridge."

"Alterbri--what the fu--Myles?!" Scott began throwing a tantrum. "Myles Kennedy? That pimply ass--You can't do this to me!"

"You are nothing without Scott Stapp! If you break up this band, you won't live to regret it!"

"Scott, you have only yourself to blame for this." Mark sighed, backing away from Scott.

"Myles Kennedy will d---" Brian Marshall abruptly pulled out a gun from his pants pocket and shot dear Scott through his left eye.

"No one calls my Myles a pimply ass and lives to tell the tale." Brian spat upon his ex-friend, ex-bandmate and ex-lover.

Meanwhile, elimiDATE...

Maleficent didn't accept the hug, she instead walked around Ansem and remained silent.

"Okay, that's cool." Ansem laughed off the rejection.

We see a tall young man walking toward our camera crew, carrying a large weapon of some sort. After minutes of anticipation, he finally speaks, "I'm Squa--Leon--and I lost a bet."

Leon approaches Ansem and company, unenthusiastically raising his hand to greet his date.

"Mmmmm." Ansem Mmmmmed. "And who might you be, gorgeous?"

"Uhh, I'm Squa--Leon." He coughed, leaning away.

"Squaleon, beautiful name. Swedish?" Ansem purred.

"Uhh, yeah." Leon sarcastically assured him, rolling his eyes.

Meanwhile, Cloud...

"Haha, Squall, you crazy son of a bitch!" Cloud bellowed, shaking with laughter as he pointed to his television screen. Disrupting his surroundings of empty beer bottles and popcorn bowls.

"I'm glad I didn't loose that bet!" Chewed popcorn residue escaped from his mouth as he chuckled.

"Shut up, get your ass off the cough and go mow the fucking lawn, Cloud!" Arieth screamed from the kitchen as pots and pans rattled violently.

"Piss off, I'm busy!" Cloud retorted viciously.

"Doin' what?!" Arieth shrieked in anger.

"I'm chokin' the chicken, you God damn whore!"

Meanwhile, elimiDATE...

At long last, we spot our final competitor and possible mate for Ansem. We move closer, as the figure seems to be slowing down with each step. As we inch further and further toward the seemingly shadowy midget, we realize it is a shadowy midget.

We tried the best we could to provoke it with sticks and stones, but the strange seemingly genderless being would not tell us a thing.

The little black creature scurried over to the group, twitching it's antena's and sniffing the air.

"Well, hello sexy." Ansem greeted, winking at the dark midget.

It responded by sniffing his hand.

"Hey, hey! Let's not get too cozy just yet." He patted the creature on the back and began escorting the 'ladies' to the picknick he'd planned.

"So, tell me something about yourselves. What do you do?" Ansem nudged at Squall's chest, repetitively winking.

Squall raised an eyebrow, "You should get that checked out."

"Well, I'm a ninja!" Yuffie informed the group merrily.

"Uh-huh, that's good, good." Ansem shrugged her off and returned his attention to Squall.

"So, Squaleon, how about you?"

"I'm..." He stalled.

"A prostitute?" Yuffie inquired snobbishly.

Squall glared at her dumb-founded, "What the? Yuffie!"

"Well, you're dressed like one." Yuffie remarked, eyeing his attire.

"Whoa! Whoa! There's plenty of Ansem to go around!"

Who will Ansem elimiDATE first?

Yuffie, Maleficent, Squaleon or the Dark Midget? Find out next time on elimiDATE.


End file.
